TBS: The "T" stands for "Threesome!"

The "B" and "S" stand for "Barfing," and "So much!"



A soon-to-be-published book by a former editor of Hustler magazine describes a purported video in which Jane Fonda (48 at the time), husband Ted Turner, and an unidentified brunette share a intimate moment of graphic, horrifying, old-people sex.

"Prisoner of X" author Allan McDonnell says the footage includes Fonda donning "artificial equipment" to "pleasure" Turner while he "services" the brunette and "asks" the camera operator, "Are you getting this?"

I'm getting "sick", I know that much.

The 68 year old Oscar winner admitted to having threesomes with her first husband, French movie director Roger Vadim, in the early 1970s. The tape featuring billionaire media mogul Turner allegedly came through the Hustler offices in the '90s, when McDonell says Hustler publisher Larry Flynt unsuccessfully tried to buy the video.

Flynt himself said "I really don't have any comment on the so-called Ted Turner videotape. Ted Turner and I have been friends for 30 years. I knew Ted before CNN." He added that he wouldn't have been intersted in the tape anyway, since "It's not like capturing a hypocritical congressman in the sack."

Yeah, because the only thing I want to see more than Jane Fonda pegging her geriatric spouse would be flabby, congressional ass getting spanked by underaged hookers. That'd be just great, Larry!

source

Bloody good show, bitches!

Who would have thought that British fans of Kanye West are just as trigger-happy and violent as American ones?

West's concert last night in Birmingham, England turned bloody after an ejected fan went home, got his girlfriend, came back and shot two security guards, seriously injuring one of them. Now I don't get why he needed his girlfriend there to shoot someone, but hey, maybe he stores his bullets in her lady-parts.

Since most of what I know about British people comes from Merchant-Ivory films and Charles Dickens, I keep imagine the exchange went something like "Good sir, your exuberance is quite unseemly, might you be so good as to vacate the premises forthwith?" and "Blimey! He's gone and knickered me in the bollywags!"




"Can't attend the Kanye musicale? Why, I shall most certainly pop caps in your asses, goodfellows! Pip pip!"

Katie Holmes not having sex is not Tom Cruise's fault

Well THAT'S a relief!

Rumors were flying when a "projection error" resulted in Katie Holmes' sex scene disappearing during a screening of her upcoming movie, "Thank You for Smoking," at the Sundance Film Festival. Director Jason Reitman denied that Tom Cruise had censored the (by all accounts completely un-sexy) scene, saying "The problem with `projection error' is that it's the truth but it sounds like a lie."

Well, yeah.

And it denies us an awful lot of "Tom Kuts Kat's Kitty Klip!" headlines. Anyway, rather than put up another overexposed picture of Cruise or Holmes...Enjoy a scene from Jason Reitman's dad Ivan's masterpiece:

Ghostbusters!

Sweatin' to Democracy!

How about a little dirty Rice with your coffee and morning news? Turns out U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is a major health nut, and all this week she'll share her workout tips on NBC, pumping iron and sweating on a stationary bike.

These are mental images I did not need, much less visual. Condoleeza. Bike shorts. Sweating. Though I found it's a pretty prevelant theme for writers of conservative slash-fic.

"Conde pumped the bike's pedals. "Harder, Harder," she murmmured to herself, taut haunches straining, her firm thighs pulsing against the silky texture of her red, white and blue spandex shorts..."Every mile is another victory against the enemies of freedom," she panted, her crotch grinding agai--"

And that's when I threw up.

Who knew stamping out tyranny across the globe required such a tight bod?

Daaaad!

Roger Clemens tries to bean own son after junior gets a home run off him.


Don't help him up Koby, it's a trick!

Wow, I bet the father-son games of catch these two had were a fucking HOOT!

Clemens pitched a couple innings to his son Koby's minor league Astro's team to warm up for the World Baseball Classic. After Koby knocked Clemens first pitch outta the park, Clemens senior buzzed him high and tight with a barely dodged fastball during Koby's next at-bat.

Man, your son gets a homer off you and you try to bean him? That's harsh. And now I've got "Cat's in the Cradle" stuck in my head. Thanks ever so much for that, Roger.

What can I get for a bright shiny peso?

Being a pimp doesn't mean you're not frugal. While in Rio de Janerio for Carnival, Diddy (currently minus the "P") was spotted trying to get into a spot well known for its cheap call-girls. Piddy was apparently annoyed by all the press hanging around the club, so he snuck in through the garage. Ahh, truly Doody is living the high life. Who needs Cristal and penthouse suites when you can get chlamydia for 2 dollars in a back alley?

Bigggg Pimpin', my friend. The biggest.

Alito is SO glad he got elected to the Supreme Court

"Way better than Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and almost as hot as Sweet Lady Justice!" Says Supreme Court judge Alito.


Anna Nicole Smith appeared before our nation's highest court today, fighting for truth, justice, and a shitload of her dead husband's money.

The Supreme Court was considering whether State or Federal Courts should decide the inheritance from Smith's 90 year old zombie husband and while the Bush administration is siding with Smith as a technical matter, arguing that the justices should protect federal court jurisdiction in such disputes blah blah blah nobody cares. But hey! ANNA NICOLE SMITH AT THE SUPREME COURT!

In lieu of a Clarence Thomas joke, I'm just gonna submit these fine pics of Anna before she went crazy. Enjoy.

Oh my!


Yes, yes...very nice.


Ooh, that's a good one too!



Uh...Hmm.

Now that's not quite as...


FUCK! Shit no! STOP THAT.

Ugh. Well, I guess after Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor, anything will most likely look good.

Let's just hope this doesn't give Oprah any ideas

TIVO ALERT!

This Wednesday, The Tyra Banks Show will feature Tyra's night undercover as a stripper, which will expose the evils of men, give young girls something to believe in, and otherwise save the world. Banks stops short at actually baring all...or even ANYTHING, which is ironic considering how easily you can see Tyra-ta-tas for about 30 seconds of googling. (Go ahead and treat yourself!)

Banks' show, which you probably haven't seen (and if you have, I'll kindly ask you to turn over your testicles) has previously featured Tyra in a 350 pound fat suit to prove that sometimes, fat people have a harder time in life than skinny, world famous supermodels.

Surely a saint walks amongst us.

A smoking hot, fabulously rich, deluded saint.

I guess you really CAN'T kill the Rooster

The possibly good news: Four years after the death of Layne Staley, Alice in Chains have announced a series of reunion gigs with an assortment of guest musicians.

The bad news: One of the guests will be this douche...


Dear lord. I will grant you that Navarro is a great guitarist. But I will in turn ask you to grant that he is an enormous, prancy, feather-boa-loving douche. I'm getting awfully tired of Navarro showing up in any band that will take him. His constant cock-suckery on Rockstar: INXS made me want to shove red hot pokers in someone's eyes. Mostly Dave Navarro's.

However, the good news: Despite my fears, Navarro is just sitting in on a couple of gigs and Alice in Chains have flat out REFUSED to be the next band for a "Rockstar: Someone other than INXS."

Which means the bestest news of all: I will never have to listen to a weak cover of "Down in a hole" by someone like this...

Karl n' Hillary, sittin' in a tree...

Sen. Hillary Clinton declared Chief White House Political strategist Karl Rove "Spends a lot of time obsessing over me." This came after Rove went on record saying Clinton would be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2008.

“Karl Rove is a brilliant strategist. So, if I were thinking about this,” she told WROW-AM radio in Albany, “I’d say, why are they spending so much time talking about me?”

Hillary would also like to know why Rove is always pulling her pigtails, calling her "Stinky Pinky Doo-dinky," and keeps hitting her really hard during dodgeball games. Luckily, we were able to recover Rove's Trapper-Keeper, which sheds some light on the subject.

The first cut...probably wasn't all that deep

Adding injury to insult, Lance Armstrong didn't just dump fiancee Sheryl Crow, now he's gone and given her cancer! Yesterday Shery Crow announced she is recovering from breast cancer surgery and looks to make a full recovery.


And I think that's great. I mean really, she's had it tough. She's a hot rocker chick that's just a little too much older than all the other nubile young singer-sluts, and she keeps getting dumped. There was Eric Clapton, then Kid Rock boofed Pamela Anderson when they were still dating, and then of course the whole Armstrong thing...But I can't help thinking...



Breast cancer???



How the hell could she tell?


I mean, was she sure she didn't just grab a rib and over-react?

With pants wide open...

Justice was served last week when a judge signed a temporary order preventing the release of clips from Kid Rock and Scott Stapp's sex tape. As someone who saw a few of the clips before they were yanked from the net, it's a pretty unnecessary step, considering anyone who sees more than a few seconds of Stapp's O-face will inevitably put out their own eyes and renounce sexual congress forever.

Regardless, Red Light, the fine entrepreneurial spirit who brought us Paris Hilton's cavernous vagina in all its glory vows to fight the good fight. Apparently it's our right as Americans to see "stolen" video of Rock and Stapp eyeing each other while getting hummers from Miami strippers in a trailer. Stupid America.

And now, to combine two jokes that won't die in a stunning achievement of comedy, worthy of The Tonight Show:


Did anyone do that one yet? Huh? Probably? But you don't know for sure, do you?

So I'm being original, then. Fannntastic!

Barney Fife takes more souls to the grave

Proving the "Celebrities always die in threes" rule, Don Knotts apparently refused to go lonely into the long night, and killed the dad from A Christmas Story, and some other guy.

Darren McGavin's (above) last words were allegedly "I'm getting grouped in with Barney Fife and some chump from Gunsmoke? This is bullshit!" However, he should at least feel good that he died in time to get jammed into the upcoming Academy Awards' annual "Dead People From Hollywood" tribute. And unlike Gunsmoke's Dennis Weaver, enough people will probably recognize McGavin enough to clap with slightly more polite disinterest.

The Incredible Mr. Limpet sleeps with the fishes.

Don Knotts, best known for always screwing things up for poor Sheriff Matlock, died Friday at age 81. He also starred in many underwhelming, non-blockbusting films with no cussing, no tits, but plenty of quivering, cowardly Don Knotts! Luckily, Knotts has already found more employment in heaven as a crotchety, nosey landlord for the previously departed Jack Tripper.

Yet another career "slump"

Singer George Michael was arrested on suspicion of drug posession after he was found “slumped over a car steering wheel” in London. A police source said officers received an anonymous call about someone passed out in his car and arrested “a 42 year old man” they wouldn’t flat out say was Michael…but totally was, anyway. Michael’s out on bail ‘til March while the investigation continues, but considering his “handy” history with police, it’s pretty safe to assume the late night talk show jokes will be running until September. Of 2008.

Just to give the Tonight Show staff a day off, here’s a couple of freebies, because I fucking adore Jay Leno.

“Police stated they weren’t surprised to see George slumped over a steering wheel…just that there wasn’t a penis underneath it!”

“So what’s the sound George Michael’s car horn makes when he hits his head on the steering wheel? WHAM!”

“George Michael loves cock. Seriously. Lots and lots and lots of cock.”

Olympics end with Fellini, fireworks, flaming

Tonight’s Olympic closing ceremonies are being described as “a surreal tribute” to Italian director Federico Fellini, including 35,000 spectators in red clown noses, Italy’s prime minister wearing an “Angel/Devil” mask, and a performance from Ricky Martin.

To all this we say: The Fuck?

Were the Olympics too much for you, Italy? Did we break your spirit, with our drunken, non-medalling skiers and gayer-than-gay ice skaters? We’re sorry, dude. You’ve got a lot to recommend you...Mafia, pizza, really hot chicks with awesome hooters (hey, our girlfriends dragged us to “Il Postino”)…You don’t need RICKY MARTIN and 35,000 clown noses, bro. You’re better than that.

Seriously, what the hell?